Who am I?

Well, it’s truth time. I have done terrible the last week and I know it. To be honest, I am just not sure where to even start. I think I have gotten so far removed and separated from everything I know about being healthy that I don’t even know where to start at this point. It seems like it should be so easy, but I am beyond overwhelmed and tell myself that I will start tomorrow. I am so tired of starting tomorrow.

When I try to dig deep and figure out why this never lasts for me it’s because I can never accept myself for who I currently am. If I am not happy with myself now, the way I am with no changes made, then how will I be able to be happy with myself when I make a change. Change won’t make me happy, that comes from within. I honestly feel that I try to change myself, whether internally or externally, to make me happy. I have to stop using that as my motivation. Am I a happy person? Yes, I am. I am not trying to say that I am not generally happy, but I don’t accept myself. I either don’t like what I see or feel the need to make improvements that will completely alter who I am.

Who am I? Wow, what a loaded question. I am someone who constantly sacrifices my wants and needs to make people happy. I am someone who will stand up for me only when I feel like I am drowning. I am someone who loves to make people laugh. I am someone who loves to laugh. I am someone who loves dressing up. I am someone who loves sitting on the couch in my pajamas with no shower for a whole weekend. I am someone who cherishes the real friendships in my life. I am someone who doesn’t trust easily. I am someone who gets hurt when a friend turns out to be exactly what I thought they were in the beginning. I am someone who loves to learn. I am someone who loves to be alone. I am someone who loves to have company. I am also someone who is human. Looking at this list I am a complete and utter contradiction. With all these mixed feelings and emotions it’s no wonder I feel lost and incomplete. How can I want two things that are polar opposites?

The truth is, no matter how hard I try, this is who I am and I have to accept that and so does everyone else around me. If they don’t, then they don’t have a place in my life. I know this blog is about being healthy, but doesn’t that start with your insides? If I am not healthy in my thoughts, heart and brain, how can I expect to have a successful journey to be healthy externally?

There are a lot of questions that go through my head on a daily basis and perhaps that’s why my other blog is called confused, let’s face it, if you aren’t confused by all of this then you are a more together person than I am.

I feel better just getting this out there in the open. I have been hurt and I have hurt others, I know that. When you are always the person that pleases everyone else, the one time you don’t do that it is thought that I am a “bitch.” The funny thing is some people do that every day and it is just expected of them. No one thinks anything of it; they just let it be their “personality.” When someone acts out of the normal that is when it is considered negative. It’s not negative just because you haven’t seen it yet. It’s just a part of who the person is.

With that, I will depart for the day.