Feer of Failure

At this point in my “get fit, lose weight, be healthy” journey, I am struggling to picture the end result. My goal seems so far away and at this point almost impossible to reach. There is a slight comfort knowing that I have been successful in the past, but what makes this time any different than all the others? I have tried over and over again to maintain a great body weight and all my attempts have failed. It’s almost as if I am afraid of being successful in this part of my life. Not being in great shape I can laugh at myself and make excuses for what I am the way I am. Once that is gone and over, what can I use as an excuse?

I am guessing that most of my fear in all this is living a boring life when it comes to food and exercise. I love food and I love trying new things, the same goes for exercise. Eventually, however, those things get boring and if I don’t figure out ways to get changing and improving, then I won’t stop this cycle of ups and downs. For instance, I love salads, I always have, but will I be ok eating lettuce for lunch every day from here on out?

The point of all my fears and questions is simple, I am barely into this “journey” of mine and already I am having doubts and getting a feeling of despair. It seems too early for this, but my past failures are haunting me and I can shake the overwhelming feeling that this will once again turn out the way it always has. History does tend to repeat itself.

When you don’t know something, you should just admit it. I don’t know what to do from here. I don’t know how to make this last. I don’t know if this time will be the “last” time. I don’t know how to gain more self control. I don’t know how to make better choices when the bad choices are so good. I don’t know if I can commit my entire life to being healthy. I don’t know if I can change my surroundings to give me a better chance at success. I don’t know if I have the passion for working out that I once did. I just don’t know….

I guess the first step is admitting all of that. I never thought that this would be easy, but it is turning out to be pretty hard and it’s only the beginning. I assume this will get harder before it gets easier, or maybe it will never get easier. Keeping with my motto from yesterday I just need to focus on one day at a time and don’t get swept away with the overarching goal.